A hint of Aniseed
by Soulreciever
Summary: The unrelenting ravages of insomnia spurn Hisoka into visiting Watari despite his better judgement. Angst, vauge crack, slash, randomverse
1. Subconscious

A hint of aniseed.

1. Subconscious.

T: Warnings of angst, crack tinges, Kyoto spoilers, a pick and mix characterisation of Hisoka as well as everyone/everything else and slash. I own nothing you see other than the plot bunny.

* * *

It takes almost a full month of midnight Sudoku and a string of random games involving the shifting shadows on his bedroom ceiling, for him to swallow just a little of his pride, as well as the larger portion of his common sense and talk to Watari.

The visit had actually proven wonderfully helpful and he'd been filled with a comforting sense of optimism until the very moment that the potion had made its appearance.

It'd been very much in the almost trademarked vein of Watari potions, what with the unnatural hue and smoky halo, thus he'd simply pushed it back in the scientists direction and, in his own deeply loveable manner, had said,

"I'm not desperate, Watari-san."

Bright, bright, smile burning as the sun there on his face, the other had thrust the thing back towards him and responded,

"This isn't like all the other lotions and potions, Bon." Then, in a perfectly executed piece of emotional manipulation, he'd enquired, "Don't you trust me?"

He should have known better, should have implemented the same 'ice prince' routine that he used on his infantile partner every time that he attempted to wheedle an entirely unnecessary desert…

In reality he'd taken one look at the big, kitten like, eyes fixed upon him and, tired beyond all practical use of the word, he'd crumpled like a sodden newspaper.

The vaguest hint of aniseed tingling on his tongue and hot, viscous, steam drifting down his windpipe, he'd felt Watari's mood shift into something all together mischievous. He'd been on the outside of such a mood many times before and he'd known, far too well, what it heralded.

Thus he couldn't help the little rush of confusion that'd caught him one it'd become clear that there is to be no unusual or alarming side effects. But an instant later Watari had remarked,

"Ah ha! I knew that you didn't quite trust me,"

"I honestly didn't mean anything by it, Watari-san, it's just…"

"Just?"

"A few moments ago it felt a little as though you'd been scheming something."

For a brief instant the scientist had felt almost shifty and then he was sweeping him into a firm, one armed, hug and projecting a wave of almost over powering innocence.

"Ah, what you sensed there was my excitement for a well rounded product that is guaranteed to fulfil precisely the need it was created for."

Headache niggling at the very base of his scull he'd gently prised the arm from around his shoulder and enquired,

"Is there anything else?"

"The after taste of the aniseed is going to linger for a while I'm afraid." The other responds before enquiring, "Let me know about any other random little side effects, ok?"

"Oh I will." Leaving that very thinly veiled threat lingering there in the air he'd strolled back to the office.

* * *

Tsuzuki all but pounces on him as he steps over the threshold, a frenzied concern all but eclipsing the usual chaotic, contradictory, broil of his emotions.

"So?"

He takes a long, long. Look at the other and, shrugging his coat off his shoulders, parrots,

"So?"

"So what did Watari say?" There is nothing but idle curiosity on the enquiry and yet,

"Tsuzuki?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know that I'd gone to see Watari?"

A spike of panic negates the broad, naive, smile that spreads onto the other's lips and makes the response of, "you must of mentioned it yesterday, " even more futile.

"And now the truth, Tsuzuki," a long silence follows the words and then, eyes not quite meeting his own, the elder enquires,

"Do you remember back when I was having those silly little nightmares and you started feeling so worried that you let me steal your couch for a few days?"

The mental image of violet eyes peeking at him from the folds of various, well loved, blankets had sprung, forcefully, into his head and, cheeks flushing despite his greatest effort, he'd enquired,

"Why is this relevant, Tsuzuki?"

"Promise you won't get mad?" The look that accompanies the pathetically childish enquiry is filled with such desperate hopefulness that, though he knows he would come to regret it, he's responded,

"I promise."

"I felt so warm and safe at your house that it became like a little haven for me and so when the nights got really bad…"

"Tsuzuki, are you trying to tell me that you've been sneaking yourself into my apartment at night?"

"I'm so sorry, 'soka, I stopped the instant that you started getting restless, you know, just in case it was my emotions keeping you up, but even then you looked more and more tired as the days went on and then you were late today and…"

He raises a hand to stop the rambling before it goes any further and, once certain that there would be no interruption, he'd enquired,

"Next time you feel insecure and want a little company, Tsuzuki, then ask, ok?"

Blinding smile springing onto his lips Tsuzuki gives him a firm, swift, hug, utters a chirpy "thank you, 'soka," then slinks back to his desk.

Mumbling under his breath about overly sappy partners he settles down at his own desk and swiftly looses himself in the simple pleasure of his work,

At midday precisely Tsuzuki kidnaps him for a long lunch at a little ramen bar that was, apparently, his current favourite and then, with a subtly that had to be begrudgingly admired, talks him into treating him to Crepes from Harajuku.

He manages only half of the creamy, fluffy, pudding, before his eyes grow heavy and he slumps, ungracefully, into his partner.

"Perhaps you should have a half day today," Tsuzuki remarks as he runs gentle fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

Shivering he pulls just that little tighter and, mumbling some half felt assent, allows his eyes to slide closed.

He stirs in the familiar warmth of his bed, head muzzy with half recalled dreams and the soft touch of his partner's fingers.

Flushing he buries himself a little deeper under his covers and, making a mental note to apologise to Watari, drifts back to sleep.

_He dreams of fire, of hot, __acidic, smoke and the smell of charring flesh._

_He dreams of strong arms shielding him from the flames, of eyes of the brightest amethyst and the dark void beyond. _

_He'd dreamed of returning the embrace, of stealing the breath from those ever smiling lips and of the spark of desire that wells in him at the contact. _

_He'd dreamed of giving himself completely, of the sure, certain, confidence instilled by mutual affection…_

When he eventually wakes he is both confused and so palpably lonely that the emotion is almost as a weight there on his shoulders.

Kyoto had brought him to realise how truly treasured his partner was to him and yet, in his naivety, he had believed the attachment fraternal in nature. However, the desire that he had felt in the dream, that he felt still, could in no way be seen as 'brotherly' or, indeed, 'platonic'.

He yearned for his partner's touch…yearned for the chance to touch the other in return…

Feeling so very lost, so very alone, he transports himself into Watari's lab, an instant after which he is being guided into a chair and gifted with a blanket and a warm, sweet, cup of tea.

"Ok, so what's the story, Bon?"

"The potion worked and I slept better than I think I've ever slept, however…"

"You had a pretty vivid dream, right?" There is an edge of chagrin to the question and, fixing the other in his gaze, he enquires,

"Watari, what did do?"

"Right, so the truth is that I did put something in that potion. The symptoms you were describing spoke of an insomnia born of a subconscious concern and so…"

"You gave me something that would help me confront that concern?"

"Correct."

He allows the silence to weave around him a moment and then,

"It was a dream of Tsuzuki."

Colouring ever so slightly the scientist enquires,

"You mean 'that sort' of dream?"

"Yes."

"Then why come to me? Why not go directly to him and make the thing a real?" He tenses the very instant the suggestion is made and, nodding gently, the scientist says, "Because you don't think such a thing would ever be possible."

"What is there in me to deserve affection, let alone attraction, Watari?"

"You know I think the saddest thing is that you believe the only valid answer to that question is 'nothing." The response is followed by another moment of silence and then, "I'm going to show you how much you are truly worth, Bon."

The words seem as little more than an attempt at placating him and yet they contain such a selfless kindness that they pull from him the softest of smiles,

"I'm going to go and attempt a little more sleep and you can start with the confidence counselling in the morning, okay?"

"I look forward to it."

T: second and final part asap, until then R+R??


	2. Conscious

2. Conscious. 

T: Massive apologies for the delay, my laptop got ill and it took a while to fix it!! I'm hoping the giant nature of the chapter sort of makes up for it!!! Warnings/disclaimers remain the same, though I want to sneak in a slight OOC caution just to be safe!!

In the muggy hours of early morning a clear head and the long practiced ability to filter out…uncomfortable…memories, almost has him ringing Watari to cancel their little 'meeting'. Morbid curiosity, as well as his ever stubborn pride, means that, at ten am precisely, he is strolling into the lab with two bento boxes pressed under one arm.

"Waaa, such effort!! Thank you, Bon!!!!"

"Consider it payment for the potion." He counters as he settles back into the seat he'd vacated all of 4 hours previously.

There is a brief silence as the Scientist takes a small sample of each of the 'treats' in his box and then,

"I did a little late night plotting and I have up with the perfect solution."

"Which is?" The question is met with glee and, placing his chopsticks gently to one side, the Scientist dashes off into the depths of his lab.

He returns with a familiar tome hugged to his chest and an unnerving smile on his lips.

"Why do you have the Count's story book, Watari?"

"Actually this is my take on the concept and it's going to provide incontrovertible evidence."

Flipping the thing open the Scientist thrusts a pen in his direction,

"I want you to think really, really, hard about Tsu and then place this pen to the page."

Feeling still apprehensive he does as instructed and watches, fascinated, as the pen uses his hand to draw a perfect replica of his partner.

"Ok, now before you came here Tsu was two very different people; the bright, friendly, sweet obsessed Tsuzuki that the world saw and…" The Scientist trails and, gently taking the pen from him, presses it to the page once more.

Slowly the image of his partner shifts into the hollowed individual he recognises of so well from the conclusion of the Kyoto case.

Silently the Scientist again presses pen to page and his own likeness appears next to his partners. Attention riveted now to the page he watches in rapt fascination as his doppelganger reaches out to the other figure and furls him into an embrace.

"I know that you feel guilty always for your actions in Kyoto, feel that he is living because _you_ want it rather than because he desires life and yet…"

Again pen connects with page and again he watches with unflinching intrigue as the image shifts once again.

Once more the figure of his partner stands along, his general appearance now considerably shabbier and his face of fearfully hollow that he is eventually moved to cover it with his hand.

"A problem can only be worked on when it is acknowledged, this we know so very well and yet we were so afraid of acting too swiftly…of starting something that we would be unable to finish."

"My Empathy meant that I had no such fears, that I knew just when to push him and just when to leave it alone. Also…"

"Also you shared a very similar trauma." Watari concludes before he says, "Without outlet the darkness in his heart would have become overwhelming and he would have turned to his last, desperate, crutch."

"Alcohol."

"Alcohol…however, as we both know so very well, though the drink lifts his spirits and makes his illusion of content all the more believable, it also makes the lows oh so much worse."

"Meaning that he'd drink more and more, each buzz lasting just that little less than the one before, until…"

"The inevitable conclusion."

Again the pen taps the paper and flames wreath the page, their dancing forms shadowed by the ever shifting mass that was Touda.

"Watching the decline, the shear desperation in his eyes, we would have been unable to believe that he wished for anything other than death. Thus there would have been no last minute rescue, no simple words with more power than they have ever intended. There would only have been the flames and the eternal darkness."

The pen taps paper one last time; flame and snake dissolve to leave simply a blank sheet of paper.

"More than anything in the world Tsu needed someone to need him, needed someone brave enough to coerce him into facing his daemons and stubborn enough to prevent him from hiding always behind his smile."

Hand ghosting the empty page he allows his mind to absorb the lesson and then he says,

"I will let go the belief that what I asked of him in Kyoto was an ill thought, selfish, thing and yet…"

"To treasure you is one thing, to love you back…to desire you…is quite another."

"Yes."

Watari's smile stretches just that little bit further and, pulling a strip of cloth from the table, he enquires,

"Do you trust me, Bon?"

"I'm here, aren't I?" The response is all but knee jerk, something that registers as a wash of pride across the other's heart.

"Confidence is the key here, right?"

"I believe we've established as much, yes."

"To gain confidence you need to experience new, yet slightly frightening, things, correct?"

"Some physiologists believe confidence comes from overcoming adversity, yes."

"So my logic goes as such; you go topside with some suitable company and experience some 'adversity' in the hopes of banishing a few of the more negative voices in that head of yours."

"Watari, when you say 'suitable company' you wouldn't be referring to…"

"Yay, we get to play with 'Soka-chan!" The dual exclamation of glee is followed, all but instantly, by two sets of exuberant arms wrapping about him.

Of course he instantly understands the logic behind this choice and, positive attitude firmly in place, he enquires,

"So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise!" Yuma remarks as the world goes black.

He has a moment of intense empathic distress and then everything mutes away into something akin to radio static.

It is a disconcerting experience that he has been subjected to several times before and thus he is little surprised that, upon the removal of the blindfold, he is greeted with the lofty outline of the 109 building.

"Watari-san told us that this would be the best place to bring you." Yuma informs him after a moment's silence.

"My Empathy can't single out anything in such a mass of feeling and so it goes into what Watari has termed 'hibernation' mode."

The explanation is somewhat unnecessary and yet still the girls grace him one of their gentler, thankful, smiles.

"It's pretty hard not to notice that your clothes are basically items of concealment so stage one of today's action plan is to get you into something a little more suitable." Saya remarks as he shunts him, ever so gently, into the store.

'Stage one' proves an outstanding success, for not only does he piece together a fairly substantial wardrobe, but he also treats himself to the subtlest of haircuts and, after much needling from the girls, a piercing at the very top of his left ear.

'Stage two' proves to be a long lunch with a duo from the American division who were, apparently, 'old friends'.

Initially he'd responded in the way he always did when faced with strangers and yet, as the meal had progressed, he'd found himself pulled into the conversation. Indeed, by the time that the meal was reaching its natural conclusion, he'd become deeply involved in an intense debate with the younger of the pair.

"I hate to break this up, you two, but we've got a case we'd better be getting back to."

"You sure know how to spoil a guy's fun, Eric!" Smiling his companion offers out his hand before remembering himself and folding into a wonderfully uncoordinated sitting bow, "We'll talk again so, right?"

"Of course."

"Seal the deal?" The enquiry is made with the proffering of a pinky finger and, feeling now somewhat self conscious, he allows himself to partake in the childish ritual.

All of three minutes later they are stepping out into the fresh air, the girls chatting contentedly between themselves, while he enjoys the feel of the breeze against his skin.

They are making an unconscious b-line for Yoyogi Park when a familiar silhouette flits across his periphery vision.

"Tsuzuki?"

"Oh, I found you!" The remark is followed by strong hug full of glee as well as the ever solid edges of his partner's shield."

There are two questions strong in his mind, how had his partner known that he was here and why had the other come to look for him? The first had the very simple answer of 'Watari', the second, however…

"Not that I mind, Tsuzuki, but why are you here?"

"I was curious…also…"

"Also?"

"It got a little lonely in that biiiiiiiiig office." He feels his cheeks flushing and, before he can stop himself, he feels his mouth forming the usual admonishment of,

"Idiot!"

Smile firmly in place his partner gently pushes him to arms length and, stating, "Let's have a look then," proceeds to spin him on point.

The intense stare is a little more than he can take given the residual memory of the dream and, when the world again stills, he is a perfect scarlet hue. Thankfully such a reaction is all but expected of him in such situations and Tsuzuki doesn't even grace him with a second glance as he says,

"You look good."

The heat laced at the end of the words has him seeking to catch those eyes to catch some unknown something, an endeavour put to the swiftest of ends as the girls begin regaling the elder with stories from the day.

Taking a shaky breath he waits a moment for his thoughts to pull back into a solid whole and then he says,

"Thank you, girls, I'm quite capable of telling him all this myself."

The pair respond with a terribly immature sticking out of their tongues and, wrapping an affection arm about his shoulder, Yuma states,

"It's been fun but we'd all best be getting back to some work."

"We'll have to do this again soon, Hisoka-kun!" Saya remarks, winking happily as she adds, "Don't worry, we won't ask for a pinky swear!!"

He doesn't even have to see his partner to know that such a parting shot would have made him curious as, sighing, he says,

"Look I'll give you the whole story later, ok?"

"Ok!"

By the time he'd poured the forth cup of tea he'd been more than aware that Tsuzuki is stalling for time and, instilled still with a little of the confidence he'd felt while touring Shibuya, he'd enquired,

"Is something the matter, Tsuzuki?"

Body reacting in the precise manner of a child caught at a forbidden action, his partner carefully responds,

"No, no not at all."

Hitching a breath against the rising frustration he secures their drinks and then settles, very deliberately, next to the other.

"You're lying."

The close proximity allows him to feel the responding spike of panic and nervousness, can feel the solid void of Tsuzuki's shield as it sweeps away the emotions with a swiftness that speaks of desperation.

Angry that the other was hiding from him, that he felt even the slightest of needs to do as such, he snaps, "I thought you trusted me," before self consciousness gets the better of him.

Thankfully his bravery is rewarded for, eyes not quite meeting his, the elder responds,

"I _do_ trust you, 'soka."

"But?"

"I'm frightened."

"Of?"

"Loosing you."

It is such an unexpected response and without so much as another thought he responds,

"Never."

A hitched breath and then the elder is tangling their hands together, the touch swamping him with an oh so familiar mix of loneliness and fear.

"Because I belong here with you?"

"That's right."

It is a thing he has repeated so very many times, the words as sacred as a promise to him…as a tie to not only his 'family' but also to the man that he loved beyond all others.

"Thank you, Hisoka." His partner responds, hands gripping that little bit tighter as he presses a chaste kiss against his forehead.

An unbidden rush of half recalled moments from the dream and, more out of instinct than anything else, he pushes up in order to turn that contact into something more.

For the briefest of moments there is only the press of lip against lip, the certain thought that he has allowed things to spiral far, far, out of his grasp and then…

Then Tsuzuki is responding, is gripping to him as one drowning and opening his soul so very wide that he exposes even the shape of this thoughts.

He allows himself to be caught a moment in the heat of the others desire, as well as the constant litany of '_Hisoka, Hisoka, Hisoka_' there in the background and then he pushes, very gently, away.

"I love you, so very much, Tsuzuki." His voice is so raw, so choked with emotion, that he barely recognises the sound of it.

It is a show of vulnerability that, in any other situation, he is certain he would feel ashamed of and yet in this moment it is perhaps the only way that he might communicate even just a sliver of his depth of feeling.

Fingers taught against the hair at the nape of his neck Tsuzuki smiles an oh so beautiful smile and then responds,

"I love you too, Hisoka."

T: R+R??


End file.
